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What People With Emotional Intelligence Do

Every time I got angry I said 10 minutes of prayer. In that time I only had 3 or 4 serious breeches of my discipline. Trauma is a strong component. It is the trigger. Genetics provides the pre-disposition. Genetics is why this is a hard one for most people to understand. Fear memories decay quickly. Genetics is also why it runs in families. In another year or so we will have a test for PTSD. All this will become a lot clearer. Sex can work with an endorphin defficiency if you can work out parameters that are acceptable to those involved.

Exercise can also help with endorphins provided the interest and discipline is there. The thing to minimise is self destruction. Hard to avoid if the BPD lives for victim status. No matter how much the Dr. She was always inventing new defences. That is another very important tool. One thing that can help is time. Fear memories decay over time. For those with PTSD it just takes a lot longer.

Sometimes a lifetime is not enough. Some times a few years will do the trick. There is so much we don't know. Fortunately answers are starting to come. OK I want to put this straight: I am for legalization of pot. No worse than beer and cigarettes combined, IMO. I've never cared if people smoked it around me and have imbibed a few times myself. Self-medication, regardless of the means pot, herbs, supplements etc I used to self-medicate with alcohol equivalent of a 12 pack a night or more and benadryl mg every night just to sleep.

Highly manic I was, and extremely dangerous. Ever seen somebody punch out a window or tear a door apart? The thing with lithium et al is that they are taken under the supervision of a psychiatrist. Not a general physician--the smart ones will refer, or even force, a mentally ill patient to see a psychiatrist. Lithium serum levels, for one, get measured regularly to check that they're OK.

Regular "med checks" I have one in a month see how a patient is doing with meds i. This doesn't happen with self-medication. A first-party analysis with one that is in a state where they can't, for all intents and purposes, be neutral, is a flawed look at the "real" state they are in. On the bulletin board where I am a moderator, one of my fellow mods swears by this.

She went through some very tough therapy with a tough-as-nails therapist. She's a wnderful person on the boards, and with luck I may meet her IRL before too long. It's not about the meds or the therapy. It may take trial and error, but I've heard countless times: Or is it inevitable unless you use drugs and lots of therapy to fix it. To Anonymous at It's sound advice, and the rule goes for all specialities. I make it a point not to treat my own family.

As a dermatologist, you might get asked to look at uncle Ed's weird rash Do you violate confidentiality and tell aunt Ginny? How about the reporting requirement for the local health department? A physician or psychiatrist actually dating a patient or carrying on a sexual relationship with one is an individual who will quickly lose their license to practice.

Even if the patient initiates it, and everything is quite innocent, that situation is considered an abuse of power, and an extremely egregious one for a psychiatric professional, since their understanding of the patient's psychological vulnerabilities and weaknesses far exceeds that of a layman. That understanding of what makes people tick can be a double-edged sword. One of my lifelong friends is an outstanding psychiatrist He's not an unattractive man, yet he's never married. Fortunately or unfortunately, he's so used to employing his clinical skills that he does it almost automatically, and usually has a person's pathologies down cold after the first date.

I feel badly for him at times I think at some point you have to overlook minor flaws in a person's psyche and live with them, but he can't seem to turn off the clinical part of his brain. On the other hand, there's exactly ZERO chance he'd ever hook up with a borderline, so I suppose there's that Thenewguy, Your friend, the psychiatrist, is using his own defense mechanism intellectualization to ward off potential intimacy--perhaps he should look inward to figure out why.

I always laugh when people find out I am a psychologist and might be "analyzing them. For most of my life I was manipulated and treated as a disapointment because I lived my own life and had my own opinions. She ignored e when I was a teen but when I got married she suddenly wanted to be a mother. When I got married and moved away, she called me every day to try to get me to move back, I almost lost my husband because of her manipulation of me.

1. They respond, not react.

I was such a fool, I thought she finally loves me! Luckly my hisband was a lot stronger than I was. After my father died, I believe she went totally off the deep end. During his illness she only focused on her suffering in taking care of him.

Walking on Eggshells (Little Book Series of Emotional Health For Emotional Wealth 6)

And believe me my father suffered. She was more hateful to me, more vindictive than I had ever experienced and it effected me to the point that I lost all my confidence and became very depressed. I not only lost my father, but my mother and my brother. She turned my brother against me. My thoughts at that time were if my own parents don't love me there must be something very wrong with me. After my father died her abuse got manic.

She and my brother were constantly on me about how bad I was for moving away. I finally cut her out of my life and slowely began to heal. I have finally gotten some of my confidence back and am rebuilding my life.. We're unable to trust people, unable to access a situation, because our parent changed reality to suit their needs. They lie, they turn people against eachother all in order to get their own way. The are relentless in their quest to get their own way and make you submit to their needs. It breaks down your spirit and makes you judge your own sanity.

After a while it's impossible to trust your own instincts. If people have children with someone who has these disorders please do not allow them custody and only supervised visitation. The only reaosn I think I survived this woman's upbringing with some sanilty and a sense of self is that she worked and my grandmother raised me. I've suspected for a long time that much of the men's movement is the product of individual men's dealings with fully borderline personalities or at least women with borderline tendencies.

Of course, the other component is society's "propping up" of the borderline and saving her from consequences at his expense. I know that'w what got me involved!

Dating Emotional Predators: Signs to Look Out For | Self-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

Val, So glad you had someone like your grandmother to neutralize the damage done to you by your mother. Part of the problem with borderline mothers is that everyone expects mothers to be giving, loving etc. However, the borderline or in your case, the narcissistic mother does not have the capacity much of the time to see beyond their own needs and feelings--they will damage anyone and everyone in their way.

The best way to deal is to depersonalize the pain they inflict--that is, to realize that they are not picking you out of a line-up to hate etc. They hate, treat anyone who is close in a similar manner--it is a pathology of emotional functioning in general. I think this makes it easier to psychological contain the damage by telling yourself that your mother may be incapable of love, etc. Maybe it makes you more lovable because you understand how damaging emotional blackmail can be and hopefully, will know not to use it with others you care about.

Helen, I'd considered that, and even challenged him on that very point. He waved it off, and insisted he's only looking for a "normal" woman. He's recently acquired a girlfriend, however, and this one has lasted longer than any of the others many didn't make it past the first date I'll be interested to see how this one turns out. TheNewGuy, Yes, some people are just picky and end up finding the perfect mate--I hope this is the case with your friend! Certainly you are welcome to your opinion, but I am by experience entirely at odds with your "created by the organism of therapy" premise.

Logic didn't work - Chapter and verse, documents in hand about personal actions and their consequences: Denial, diversion, and counterattack. Emotion didn't work - Pliancy, supplication, tribute, entertainment, tears, drama: Irrelevant in an eyeblink. Hostitlity, projection, and counterattack. This exists prior to the "therapy," and they have no interest in "fixing" theselves - mostly. It seems the fear of self-discovery and admission of their emptyness is rightous cause to do any and everything up to, and sadly, including, death to prevent from being found out.

Any and everything to blame someone else! The attempt at therapy simply exacerbates the problem because it reveals it. The "organism of therapy" did not cause it in any way. Oh, if only it had been that simple There are people who will stand in line and pay good money to hear someone say "it's not your fault. Any attempt to address that is an instant and direct threat to their being and worldview. And who doesn't passionately defend their core belief? My wife has some fairly serious borderline tendencies and we've been through four marriage counselors.

They're of very little help when the woman in the relationship has problems. At one point she told our then 3yo daughter "Daddy hates you. A week later she nearly ran me over with her car. The counselor said "you seem to have a lot of issues around cars lately. She reccomended that we separate. When I asked what I should do about the idea of leaving our daughter in the custody of someone like her mom, the counselor was dumbfounded. She really had no more advice and withing two more sessions told me there was nothing more she could do.

But borderlines seem to live in a different world. Last week my wife snooped around on my laptop while I was at work and read through my journal -- part of which keeps track of her outrageous behavior, mostly so I can have a handle on it and it doesn't just disappear into a fog. She was pretty angry, but seemed only to care about how it might affect her. Last night she asked me how our marriage could survive if I continued to write such nasty things about her.

The funny thing is that if the behavior stopped, I wouldn't have anything to keep track of. That idea is lost on a borderline.

11 Subtle Signs You Might Be In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Fortunately, I'm 23 and generally out of the house, but my sister still suffers. My dad always had a nasty temper and a narcissitic personality, and my mom says she even saw signs of it when they were dating. As of ten years ago, he'd lost multiple jobs because of his temper, and it was always someone else's fault. After his father died, he lost most of the self-control he had and they got divorced shortly thereafter, with one incident of serious physical abuse before then.

We found out afterwards that he had been meeting men off the internet for sex during the marriage. He's off in another state now, and we have no contact. My mom, meanwhile, has gotten so deep in her depression result of financial problems, lack of friends, her problem parents that she's completely focused on her own suffering. The BPD traits are there and ongoing--suicide threats which we've never thought are serious , tremendous mood swings, random outbursts of temper, and an almost sick clinginess.

I'm living at home this summer to save money currently in professional school , and she tends to alternate between treating me like a husband not in a perverted way, but in terms of responsibilities and treating me like a 13 year old. She was very critical of the one serious romantic relationship I've ever had, and I don't know how much her opinion affected it and ultimately led to its demise. Helen, you posted earlier about how big a problem borderline mothers are--it's even worse with a borderline mother and no real father.

My 15 year old sister's picked up some of the behaviors, and I often have to take on a sort of "father" role to show her how normal people behave in society. Thanks to good friends in college, I've come out OK when it comes to dealing with everyday life, but I don't know how capable I am of maintaining any sort of romantic relationship, as I've gotten so deeply cynical and distrustful of people. At least you can break up with a BPD girlfriend or spouse. The folklore says that these souls are mortally dangerous, very hard to elude and nearly impossible to kill.

They do attract vulnerable souls, so there is something to that observation above thatvictims of these people come pre-loaded witht heir own deficits. Vampires groom and feed their prey souls, and this is part of their irrestible attractiveness. Reading the first section on the following page: It was first suggest to be about 6 or 7 years ago that she had it a "confidente" who lived in another country. Now after a 13 year relationship and 11 year marriage the time is up I have to say, though, that reading the books and the web posts I feel almost a "faker" as her behaviour was not as outragious as many.

It is a sorry story too, though, as after 11 years of verbal and psychological abuse and manipulation, I sought solace elsewhere. Self-esteem at an all-time low, and all that The perfect situation for a BPD - she really could blame me for everything after that Anyway, the question that occurs to me is it possible for BPD's to recover? It appears to me that some of her behaviours are still there. However, she has gained a great deal of independance, and, ironically, is the one who is keener on ending the marriage I have had enough of the weekly mental torture and emotional roller-coaster that it is to be married to a BPD; but I don't really want to let go of her Is this normal for a "non"?

Anyway, we are getting on with it and I am starting to look forward to a new, less turbulent, kind of normality to the one that I have got accustomed to over the years Helen, Frankly I think it is extremely sad that a mental health professional would use a book like "stop walking on eggshells" or "splitting" when talking about people with BPD.

If you read up on the literatuire, you will see that people with BPD are in extreme emotional pain. The disorder CAN be treated, but not through "boundaries" as Eggshells suggests and as you cite here. My wife has BPD and one of my daughters has emotional dysregulation. Pointing individuals to resources that don't work and when there is a therapy for it doesn't seem right to me. I noticed that you mentioned DBT in your repsonses to comments, but the article is a review of Eggshells, which BTW, doesn't stress the skills that need to be learned by nons.

DBT family skills training, which is offered by two groups that I am aware of, is the way to deal with a BPD in your life, not boundaries as Eggshells suggests. That is why physicians are highly discouraged from treating those with which they have either a conflict of interest, or a lack of objectivity. It goes beyond simple conflicts of interest. There are some that are criminal. There are some that are so arrogant they believe they should control everyone, even those that are normal. There are those that think male sexuality and male traits in general are wrong or bad.

There are those that try to impose their religious, political, economic, etc. There are many problems with the field, which can often seem like it borders on a professional rent-seeking and junk science vehicle. And unfortunately there are trends in our society that are heading away from personal freedom, individual rights, choice, and free will and towards coercion, control, medical and legal fraud, and totalitarianism. As i was saying is there a point in a persons life when this kind of behaviour can be diverted whether its at 6 or 8 or 18, or is it inevitable. In many cases, such as during and engagement, it's very good advice indeed.

It's one thing when you is dealing with a child's illness; then there is no questioning of just cutting the person out of your life. In fact it's good advice if it's a BPD spouse we are talking about, really - good for the healthy spouse and probably best for any children in the family. I'm very interested in whether someone who has exhibited BPD behaviors since childhood does 'outgrow' it. One of my daughters was both more rebellious and more needy even as a young child. I had a lot of children and never felt I was able to give her the amount of attention she needed.

After she started school I resented teachers' complaints about her classroom behavior, setting children against each other, etc. I never saw any such things at home! She was for a time in Special Education for this, and to this day is excessively proud of winning medals in Special Olympics against children with huge mental and physical disabilities! She has an IQ of and always was perfectly healthy! Friends tried to tell me that she instigated problems within my family.

I just never saw it until she reached adolescence. At that point she blatantly played it all out in front of me. She began displaying for me the physical and emotional bullying she'd inflicted on the other children for years. She tormented them by locking them in darkened rooms, stole from everyone in the house, tried to forge checks, got the mail when she came home from school, tore it all open, then tossed it all in the garbage. She had her teachers and friends and mine convinced she was neglected and hatefully abused.

As a divorced mom, sole support of the family and struggling with a physical disability, I had little time or strength to deal with the chaos. She simply denied, denied, denied The worst by far was that she somehow convinced other of the children that I did not love them, wanted to get rid of them, etc.

How could all this happen right under my nose? She lured other of the children into a truly awful 'church', and they all ended up going to live with these 'friends' who I later discovered it was my great fear at the time exploited and abused them. I had one much younger child during all this that once the older ones left, I forbid any contact without my presence, even telephone contact.

Those several older children have led lives of unhappiness and unproductivity, still blaming me for every problem. The daughter who caused all these problems has told every imaginable and unimaginable lie about me. It's really impossible to defend myself, I'm not inclined to go around explaining to people that I never starved my kids, never beat them black and blue, never denied them medical care, wasn't a lesbian, never practiced satanic worship in our home, etc, etc.

I could go on and on the hateful things she's done that brought her no payoff other than causing chaos and pain. When one of her sisters was married, she threw a screaming fit in the middle of the ceremony because I wasn't there hadn't been invited. She spreads grief with a scatter-gun. I've wondered for years if she would have been okay if she'd been an only child.

I knew early on she wanted to be the 'favorite', and later stated flatly she deserved to have been an only child. Only recently have I wondered if she suffers a mental disorder. Everything I read in this posting and the comments makes me think she does. I'm not stupid, am actually pretty intelligent and intuitive, and I've adored all my children since they were conceived. A few years ago, I finally dug out from an overwhelming sense of utter failure as a mother and there was nothing in life more important to me than being a good mother.

I suspect I will struggle with this the rest of my life. That youngest child I protected from contact with her, and two much older children who were out of the home before she 'blossomed' are wonderful, caring people, with extremely successful careers and loving families of their own. And I have a close relationship with each of them and they with each other.

They still are mystified by the chaos in the middle, and I'm sure they wonder, as I still do, why I couldn't prevent it happening. Thanks for letting me vent. Just wanted to say how sorry I am for all that you have gone through. The pain that families suffer at the hand of those with this disorder and other mental illness is often overlooked or misunderstood by others.

Thanks for sharing your story. Except for one poster who reported a BPD significant other trying to make the poster feel evil, nobody else has used the E word. When I think of borderlines, I think of Darth Vader prancing around singing "These are a few of my favorite things. They're just stronger, better, faster, smarter at getting sympathy and resources, and they refuse to grow up. A little alien looking for a chest to sink into. I spent 5 years in BPD Gulag. Here's where I ended up: First, all men should learn about BPD before they stop being virgins. And it's getting worse. Second, helping BPDs is a sacrifice.

By sacrifice, I mean like Jesus on the cross or like throwing a virgin into a volcano. Not a sacrifice like not buying a new big screen TV so you can send the kids to private school. Unless you want to be nailed to a cross or thrown in a volcano, do not try to help borderlines.

Third, I don't know why borderlines act the way they do. This I do know: Borderlines aren't an endangered species, and it's legal to shoot them, and you should. Certainly there will always be frauds and hucksters trying to get their way. But the issue in general is a bit like the debate in "Planet of the Apes" where the researchers are watching Zera, Cornelius, and the other ape sorry, don't remember name eat and orange with knife and fork. Were the apes really using utensils, or just pretending to use them?

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I see your point more about pre-emptive action in youth to avoid behaviors as adults. But not seeing something in the past is cause to deny it's existance now. Nor also, is it cause to overstate the current existance by claiming is was mis-diagnosed in the past. The point of attempting to define BPD, NPD, and all the rest is an attempt to get a handle on something amorphous - personality - by way of behavior, in the hope you can do something about destructive behaviors. Can this be abused?

Can this be used constructively? The definitions for diagnosis have changed. I mean listen to some of the accounts above. Some of the posters above seem to blame the person they are posting about for so many things that they might qualify for a BDP diagnosis. Maybe they are correct, maybe they are BDPs. Without an in-depth investigation gathering ALL of the facts you won't know. And the talk about "testing everyone" is scary. Billions of dollars in pharmaceutical sales and government money - and of course countless human misery and waste - could depend on a couple people just tweaking a couple variables.

Do you think bureaucrats and pharma executives could resist that temptation? Fortunately a blood test for PTSD is in the offing about a year or three away. Once that is out there, better studies and estimates will be available. It provides an intellegence advantage. BPD are very often described as witty. So if the PTSD is not activated you have an intellegence advantage. That may be enough to overcome the disadvantages in the genetics game. The goal is to promote the patently false idea that we have a nation of children with undiagnosed mental disorders crying out for treatment, She also is concerned that mental health screening could be used to label children whose attitudes, religious beliefs, and political views conflict with the secular orthodoxy that dominates our schools.

The problem with school aged mental health screening is that it is all reported data.


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It is just the opinions of the parents and teachers. Sometimes their opinions are NOT helpful or accurate. I wish I would have seen this two months ago, I got married to a charming woman who turned into a nightmare ,the black hole of emotional needs, in like a week. I am in the process of divorcing no "oops" clause,darnit and this article and postings assure me that I am making the right move. I only read about 10 comments, but I picked this out: How did we ever exist, as a society, until the shrinks arrived about 50 years ago and told us that we were all crazy?

Just look at the huge percentage of elementary school kids on drugs.


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No one any more expects anyone to have to do anything other than just what they want to do. Yes, certainly, some people are mentally ill, just like they were a hundred or five hundred years ago. But, a lot of this madness if manufactured by an emotional care industry that seems to be best at justifying its existence, and worst at curing people. Today, we make much more of an effort to get everyone educated, and we're seeing a lot of people in schools that don't really do well in that environment and wouldn't have been in that environment in earlier ages.

In the past, more mentally ill people died, and many of them died before their condition was obvious to anyone else. Throw in the fact that their record-keeping was haphazard compared to ours, and it becomes nearly impossible to gauge the prevalence of these mental disorders. Of course they could be more common as well, owing to the fact that intelligence, mental stability, the ability to postpone gratification and plan intelligently are associated with successful use of birth control and having fewer children, combined with the fact that death during childhood, even among the offspring of the most hopelessly messed-up people, is nearly unheard of.

I know this post was written in June, but I just came across it. As someone with BPD I find it interesting to read the comments of those who haven't a clue what it's like to be borderline, to live it year after year. If dealing with it from the outside is so difficult and exhausting, imagine that multiplied a thousand times over and you get a small sense of the chaos that reigns within, what it's like to actually have BPD. Once the diagnosis enters the picture you are no longer seen as a human, you become your diagnosis, you are borderline. You're viewed by many as subhuman. You're no longer allowed to have a bad day, to get upset, to get angry, to have one too many drinks, etc.

It was ok if you did those things prior to being diagnosed. But then again, you were still considered human back then. I know dealing with someone that has BPD can be difficult. I don't dispute that at all. But we're not all monsters. I meet all 9 criteria for this disorder yet I had a stable, healthy marriage for 13 years. We had our ups and downs, our squabbles, but every relationship has those.

We're now separated, but we're still very close friends. There are no ugly legal battles looming between us, no horrific custody fights. As for being a parent with BPD, I am not emotionally detached from my daughter nor have I ever been abusive to her. If there's one thing I've done right in my "borderline" life, it's raising a child that is one of the most well adjusted kids amongst her peers. I frequently have people tell me what an amazing job I've done raising her and that's not just some delusion I've made up to pacify myself.

My daughter doesn't doubt for a second that I love her with all my heart, and I tell her AND show her daily that I do. We're often portrayed as master manipulators. But as any well trained mental health professional that's studied borderline behavior will tell you, it is a coping mechanism to deal with real or perceived adandonment.

It is not a deliberate nor cognitive attack to hurt or use someone. Just as the automatic response when touching something hot is to pull your hand away, this is an automatic response for borderlines. We aren't hopelessly dysfunctional either, there is help out there for BPD. DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is helpful in teaching borderlines to control their impulsive behaviors. To manage their emotions and to improve their relatinships with others. Just my 2 cents. Ok, maybe that was more like 50 cents, but I just want to let people know being borderline doesn't have to be a curse that so many people make it out to be.

Old Too Soon I was pursued by an attractive body builder of a woman 10 months after my wife committed suicide. At our first lunch, she showed zero personality. At our second, when we discussed the death of my wife and of her borderline sister, we forged a bond. After four months of progressively suggestive e-mails, unsolicited photographs of herself and "chance" meetings at soccer tournaments and the like, I tossed away the gifted, Phi Beta Kappa girlfriend I'd been dating for the borderline.

Ten months later she wanted to get engaged. A year later she canceled the wedding. I stayed three more years, suffered unimaginable verbal abuse, reacted in kind, lost my respect for her and myself. Her having taken her clothes off on her first visit to my house to display her "pecs. Roger Miller wrote a song: I couldn't associate with them, personally or professionally. Ultimately an outburst just before we were to make love -- about my son's career plans prior to his final semester in college -- led to our breakup. Six weeks went by, and then came the hateful e-mails.

A month went by with hateful phone calls. A letter arrived, warning me not to contact her in any way -- which I hadn't done. Then she called friends asking if she could come to my daughter's hs graduation. Then she called me asking if she could come to my son's college graduation. The night he graduated, she was sick. I sent her an e-mail saying falsely that I was sorry she couldn't make it and thanking her for helping get my family organized after my wife's death.

She replied with an e-mail saying she couldn't believe I hadn't called her my therapist said if I remained in relationship with her I would die and adding, "You never tire of finding new ways to hurt me. I'd seen her page on an Internet dating site. She lied about her education she doesn't have a master's degree , posted a slutty picture of herself and listed her best feature as "butt. She changed the "butt" and masters degree but left up the photo. My therapist said I should have let her keep it up and suffer any consequences if they came. At this point, I still, amazingly, miss her at times, because I know she has s decent core, or seems to.

But then I remember the eight-hour silent treatments, the exclusions from parties after which she would describe her conversations with other men, the dishonesty she smoked the entire five years we were together and never told me. She can go to hell, but I'll be satisfied if I never see her again. Unfortunately, this is a small place, and she still messes with my head.

Yesterday she sent a letter to my daughter in response to an e-mail she'd sent in January. My BP ex said she'd been deleting e-mails from her classroom computer and realized she'd overlooked that one. My therapist said it sounded innocuous. A woman I know said, "Bull -- she was jerking you around. I finally ran, but the damage to my health, wealth and reputation will be lifelong. Evil is the word that works for me. But I still feel for her, so I'm sick too. Signed, Old Too Soon. About Publish Join Sign In.

Readers Benefits of registering Where are my ebooks? Describe your issue Have a question not already answered in the links at left or on our main FAQ page? Anger is a normal and healthy expression of feelings. It is what you do with that anger that makes it positive or negative. Violence is a negative expression of anger. You can learn to turn your angry feelings into pro-active action as the anger is an indicator that something needs to change in your life.

Under anger there is usually sadness and emotional pain. Anger has traditionally been frowned upon. Yes, it can lead to violence which is not good for the angry person or those around them. Anger can also make you stand back and take a look at your life and identify what needs to change. If you are with someone who is angry it might be useful to remember that there is emotional pain and probably sadness under that anger. Those who have been emotionally abused may later experience anxiety, depression , chronic pain , PTSD and substance abuse issues.

In time, self-doubt creates a loss of trust in your perception and judgment, making you all the more vulnerable to a partner who wants to control you. Lambert , psychotherapist and author of Women with Controlling Partners. There is truth to the saying that behind every mean or sarcastic remark is a grain of truth.

They deny being withdrawn, and you start panicking, trying hard to get back into their good graces. Done often enough, this can turn a relatively independent person into an anxious pleaser — which is where your partner wants you. The ways your partner reacts to your accomplishments or positive feelings about something can be telling.

Does he show little interest or ignore you?