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Marc’s view

Even exploring intellectually can feel very threatening to a resistant partner, so be patient and provide lots of resources such as books, articles, and people to talk to. Polyamory has drawbacks as well, so make sure that you consider those. In general, polyamory can help couples…. Your partner is likely to have counters to each of these points, so be prepared to listen, understand, and have long discussions.

Talking to experienced polyamorists will give you some examples of the real benefits and drawbacks, which may be more convincing than simply theorizing about them. Polyamory can be a win-win for both partners, even if only one of you is interested in exploring. A word to the wise: You must be prepared to allow your partner to explore as well. If you are wanting to explore but uncomfortable with the idea of your partner exploring, then you need to work that out internally before making your request or you will be shut down as a hypocrite or selfish brat. Once you are ready to express your desire to look for a relationship, reassure your partner that it does not have to do with their inadequacies, but that your desire for other relationships is independent from your primary relationship.

Affirm what is good in your relationship and your desire to maintain it. Even if your desire to explore is related to an unfulfilled need or inadequacy, frame it as an accommodation to your partner and a solution to your problem. Try other forms of non-monogamy.

What I wish my friends understood about my polyamorous life - HelloGiggles

Another way that partners ease into poly is by trying forms that are less threatening to them. A lot of people end up becoming polyamorous after trying swinging first. In swinging, a couple engages in sexual activity with other couples, but there is no emotional attachment and no expectation to form relationships.

Sometimes swingers have sex with the same couple every time and a relationship does develop, but the activities are with other couples rather than individuals. Some couples are perfectly happy with these arrangements for a long time, others use it as a stepping stone for more engaged forms of polyamory. For the reluctant partner, even baby steps can seem like a huge deal and jumping in without preamble could cause a meltdown. Take incremental steps to allow your partner to adjust to the changes that are happening.

Be clear about what your end goal is so that he knows where eventually you are both headed, and adjust to each incremental change with the understanding that more is to come. For example, if your partner is not comfortable with the idea of you dating, start by looking at online dating profiles together, then create one together. Make it clear in your profile that you are already in a relationship and exploring, and that you are not looking to replace your current partner. Establish a time frame for your partner to adjust to polyamory. Having some mutually agreed on deadlines could help reduce the temptation for a reluctant partner to procrastinate on the difficult work of figuring things out internally.

It also helps you understand how patient you need to be and still move things forward. For example, for the first month, you could agree that you will only chat with potential matches online. At the end of the month, reassess your feelings and establish a new deadline, say, that you will go on some casual dates with potential matches for the next month. If a second date is in store, introduce your date to your partner as early as possible, even if just to say hi.

Space them out little so both of you have time to adjust. A word about rules: Many couples who are opening their relationship feel more comfortable after establishing rules for dating others. If you are going to have rules, they must apply to both partners, no exceptions. But rules should only be used as temporary guidelines to help with the transition.

‘Discovering my true sexual self’: why I embraced polyamory

They need an expiration date and they need to be renegotiated periodically. Nobody likes to be told what they can and cannot do with someone else. Of course, rules about safe sex and being safe in general should be common sense, but micromanaging things such what kind of touching is allowed, what kind of activities, how much time the other person spends with the other person are not helpful and are bound to be broken. It is very difficult to control what happens when you are falling in love with someone. If you have an agreement not to have sex, sex may happen.

If you have an agreement not to kiss, kissing may happen. If you have an agreement that you will be home at a certain hour, you may be 30 minutes late. Then your partner will be all upset that you broke the rules and you will feel resentful at the constraints that these rules impose. Instead, reassure your partner that you will behave responsibly, that you will call if you will be late or if anything happens, and tell him afterwards of what happened on your date, if he wants to know. If you really want to help him feel better, text him during your date to say everything is ok.

Let your partner know as much as possible about your activities and he may feel less need to control them. Let him know you value his opinions on the people that you date. Date someone experienced and mature. I would advise those new to poly to first date someone who has had polyamorous relationships before and is emotionally mature. If you try to introduce a potential lover to poly at the same time that you are introducing your partner to poly, things will get crazy.

Your lover will be jealous, your partner will be jealous, and you will be stuck dealing with both of them at the same time. If you date an experienced polyamorist while you are introducing your partner to polyamory, that person will likely understand and be more patient with what you are going through. They will be more likely to make an effort to help your partner feel comfortable and help you process your feelings. A cuckold is a husband with an adulterous wife. The word used as a verb means to embarrass or shame your husband by flaunting your relationship with your lover infront of him or in public.

Along with the embarrassment is the feeling of inadequacy arising from suspecting that his mate desires someone else more. While I was opening my marriage with my very resistant partner, I made my secondary relationship as inconspicuous as possible. I remained honest and upfront about everything that was happening, but I spent time with my lover only when my husband was at work, and kept phone calls and texting to a minimum when my husband and I were together.

I did not talk to my husband about my feelings for my lover and kept the conversation to logistics and things we had to discuss.

Polyamory brings up strong emotions for reluctant partners ingrained in mainstream culture. Exploring partners need to be good listeners in order to help each other understand and overcome those difficult emotions. Why are you resisting this? I have a sense of revulsion at the thought of anyone touching you. Why do you feel that polyamory is immoral? He suggested that the exploring partner help articulate these thoughts in the form of questions that the reluctant partner can respond to.

Once you and your partner are able to articulate the reasons and feelings behind his reluctance, you can help him feel heard simply by repeating what he said in your own words. Bear in mind that these are not issues that can be resolved in one conversation. One technique from The Ethical Slut is to schedule a certain amount of time, say 30 minutes, when the two of you can focus on one issue. Have the conversation, stop when the time is up, and schedule another time when you can continue the conversation. Let what was said sink in for a while and bring your reflections to the next conversation.

All of the fears listed above are very legitimate fears and they can all be dealt with through loving communication. In addition to helping your partner feel heard, you can reassure him that you still love him and want to be with him. Words are important, but actions help too.

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Here are some ways to respond to common fears:. Think of polyamory as a scale. Every time that you come back from being with someone else, balance the scale by spending more time connecting and expressing love to your partner than you normally would. Together, brainstorm ways that the two of you can address concerns and feel safe moving forward. Help your partner find a lover. If your partner is open to exploring as well, helping him find a partner can accelerate his understanding of polyamory and enjoyment of its benefits.

Browse online dating profiles together. Encourage him to pursue someone he is attracted to. Introduce him to people that he may be attracted to. Some exploring partners go so far as to insist that their reluctant partner explore new relationships first. The more you can demonstrate your lack of jealousy, the more he may do the same for you.

You probably have felt poly your whole life and are predispositioned to viewing it favorably. Your partner could be very different. Maybe his parents broke up as a result of infidelity. Maybe he grew up with the view that sex is immoral or dangerous. It can take a long long time to undo a lifetime of indoctrination of one of the most deeply seated beliefs of civilization.

If you push him too hard he may get more resistant. I have heard of couples who took a decade to consider polyamory, and those that took no time at all. How successful you will be depends on how open your partner is and how patient you are willing to be. You may be quite sure that you want to be polyamorous and an open relationship would benefit the both of you. But you will not do yourself or your partner any favors by giving in.

Your desire to explore will likely not go away, and repressing it for the sake of your partner will probably not work in the long run. It will come back and your partner will be more hurt and confused. The only way to become polyamorous is to own your position, especially if you have a reluctant partner. Are you willing to risk the possibility that your relationship may come to an end as a result? If not, then polyamory may not be for you.


Whenever the pain becomes overwhelming and you feel like giving up, talking to this person can give you the courage to go on. In addition you can get support from a Facebook or other support group, and by continuing to read poly literature.

The pain and discomfort he feels today is necessary in order to transform into the more open minded and freer person of tomorrow. Allowing that pain to happen is a part of growth. Hold him and reassure him, but challenge him nonetheless. You have our support and conviction that even if your partner cannot adapt, you have the right to be true to yourself. This is actually rather amusing.

She had something around 80 different lovers over 5 years while I had 5 at most. I reluctantly stopped and thought she had, too. Divorce was costly, but only in the short term. She got the house but has already blown the equity on boytoys that disappeared when the money did. I thank god for polyamory because it showed me my value increased with age and that steamy, no strings sex with year old women was far more rewarding in EVERY WAY than my marriage to a worthless old woman who only had me around to be her wallet. Free at last, free at last! Does the reluctant partner not also deserve to be happy?

Why would you encourage people to put their loved ones through this hell? Poly folks should keep to themselves.

Ask A Polyamorous Person

Like Liked by 1 person. Many people that begin exploring the idea of polyamory are already in a relationship or married. The right thing to do in that situation is to be honest with your partner and let them know how you feel and what you need. Polyamory is not about detachment, disloyalty or shallow connections…actually quite the opposite. Why does love have to be divided? We all love more than one person and we love each person differently. Do you not have a close friend that you are very close to but draw the line at including romantic intimacy?

What if you happened to fall in love with your close friend while married? It happens fairly often.

Advice for being the polyamorous partner to a monogamous spouse

Many people have to end their friendship because of that but I ask, why do we have to resort to that? Because that is what we have been socially conditioned to believe, that we fall in love with one person and only love one person at a time? The solution to love triangles we always see in movies and read in books where the character is in a relationship but falls in love with someone else at the same time is to open up the relationship, to allow it to happen organically instead of having to chose one or the other. Why do we have to end one love in order to love another? The acid test to your beliefs would be if you became incapacitated by an accident or illness and could no longer participate in the polyamory lifestyle, would you expect your husband to continue having a romantic relationship with another woman?

While you may be inclined to answer yes, unfortunately the real answer can only be known once you cross that bridge. Also, time, attention, and energy are finite resources, and those things are part of what real love is. Even with children, while a second child might not make a parent love the first child less, if a parent had children from two different partners living in two different places, they would certainly be less available and hence less able to love each set of children.

It would be almost universally understandable if the husband chose to divorce his wife because to do so otherwise would be very unhealthy to his well being. Polyamorist and Monogamist spouses seldom mix well. First, the article masd it clear that it was probably only a good idea of the exploring partner thought the resistant partner was willing to adapt. With some people it is best to end it rather than attempt to convince them. Ultimately the resistant partner has agency to make the choice to leave or not too though. Good or bad people can be both Poly or Mono.

Please consider what loyalty actually means, before accusing Poly people of fundamentally not being loyal. Something I never expected or looked for. If people want to put effort into the process they can come out the other end stronger, more open, more honest, and more loving. If you want to be poly and your partner does not you should just break up. I dont get why they have to change. I have nothing against people being poly but know what you want from the beginning.

Btw people say poly people love just as strong as mono people but how is that possible when a poly partner will leave a mono partner for not choosing to try to be poly usually for someone else. So while the person you supposedly loved is heart broken not even thinking about dating your out with this new person not even thinking about the other.

How do you even have time to truelly love more then one person. Youd think if you love someone you would want to spend as much time with them as possible. I have been happily married for 13 years and this is simply not true. I cannot stress that enough. If there are times where you are too nervous to talk about your feelings with your partner, those tend to be the times you SHOULD talk to someone about your feelings.

You should never feel as though you need to hide them. It is always best to face jealousy head on when and if it does happen, and tackle it together. You love someone enough to want them to be a part of your life. You love someone enough to want to make them your partner.

Some polyamorous identified individuals choose not to make sex a part of their relationships, there are so many different ways to express your love other than it being strictly sexual. My child will grow up with two mothers and a father who love her very much. She will grow up in a household filled with love. Children who grow up in families with a parent and stepparents, or a single parent, or two moms, or two dads…that is the family they know.

That is their normal. In such a diverse country, there are so many ways to define a family, ours just has three parents. Polyamory and Polygamy are two different concepts. Polygamy is heavily based around the gender of the partners, most commonly a male identified partner, having multiple female identified wives. The wives sole partner is the husband. Oftentimes this practice is more religious-based than polyamory. While some people may practice a type of polyamory where they agree they will only be sexually involved with their preconceived partners, more commonly called polyfidelity, the term polygamy is a big no-no amongst polyamorous identified individuals.

Polyamory is the belief that all partners can have relationships with anyone, regardless of their identified gender. I know quite a few people who feel more comfortable being in a monogamous relationship but have a polyamorous partner. It may not be their preference to be romantically involved with more than one person, and that is where that open communication will come into play.

If both partners are comfortable with their romantic preferences, the more power to them. Usually we attend things all together as a trio, but we are open with our families. A lot of people choose to keep the fact that they are polyamorous hidden from their families and friends due to the fear of rejection or the stigma attached to being polyamorous.

Some people are open and take whomever is free that day. It all depends on their situation really. It is okay to feel uncomfortable, and to be unfamiliar with the situation. It is not okay to be insensitive. Just talk to them like you would any other friend. I always get a kick out of a question like this.

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It is best to leave what happens in their bedroom alone. This varies with all different relationships. Some relationships all partners are dating one another. Some relationships one person is dating the other two or three or four.