We spent many a long car ride home in resentful silence after some emotionally fraught mother-daughter shopping trips. I cringe recalling some ridiculous public arguments we had on those high-school era jaunts. Mom and I would hop from dressing room to dressing room in the local mall, compromising on trends, disagreeing over the appropriate sizing of a pair of pants.
Seriously, portrait of a lady right there. First-world fights with Mom and an urge to differentiate myself aside, I knew she always knew better. Her advice was always the best. Unlike my friends, she had the season of life experience to counsel me against impulse buys. She would engage me in a sort of pros and cons dialogue about my prospective decisions.
And beyond the push-pull of me trying to become myself separate from my parents, we could just talk about something innocuous like jeans for a while. Every day now, I look more and more like my mom. And this is because clothing has become one of the primary ways we connect. Clothing is not the reason my mom and I are equals. We drink wine and watch Game of Thrones together. Arielle Dachille is a journalist and comedy writer living in Brooklyn. You can find her work on Bustle. She spends her free time pushing the limits of social grace to secure free samples.
From Our Readers June 12, Giggles in your Inbox Subscribe to our daily newsletter and get the latest updates on fashion, beauty, style, and more. She had NO right to do that. You have to let her know that it's not OK under ANY circumstances and that if she does it again, there will be serious repercussions. How do you deal with a mother in law contacting an abusive parent that I have had no contact with for over 3 years. She sent pictures of our child without our consent to this person? What do you do? You have made me feel so much better with your articles.
I was so down because of my MIL of 10 years, she's getting worse. Worst she has ever been and it's started effecting me badly since the beginning of this year. I read your articles and you have lightened my heart Lana. So thank you so much. I just wanted to say thank you for the follow up article. I often come back to your article to reread it and almost engrave it in my mind. Something you wrote resonated in me, " I have never thought about this like that. If I could just engrave that within myself I am sure I can get through this with most of my sanity intact until my husband and I can finally have our own home away from the toxic fumes.
My husband and I want to have children, but would rather do it when we are on our own so it is only us and the baby. Both our mothers are toxic so we want quite a bit distance for our sanity and the childs. I simply can't tolerate that. My mom also did that with my nieces and nephews and it used to anger me so much.
She would later tell the kids things about there parents that were inappropriate. I would get upset and correct her only to get verbally abused when we got home. It really is a never ending cycle and just thinking about it is so draining. My Fathers side of the family including my grandmother always rejected my brothers and I.
My uncle was the golden child and could do no wrong. We were always looked down on. Has not changed till this day,but I didn't grow up around them much after the divorce so it hardly affects me. Luckily, it is only my MIL that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I think a war would start if it was all three of us.
The hardest part is when it starts affecting your kids. I can't even imagine how I would react in this scenario, so far my MIL only has one grandchild - my daughter. I just know that if she started treating her differently, I would not take it well, to say it lightly: As for your dilemma, I can't advise but if it was me, I would not hang around these people. I would unfollow or block them on social media. And I would just live my life, enjoy my husband and my kids, and the company of people who actually do love and respect me. Because the bottom line is: They may not look like it to the outside world and they all work very hard to project that perfect image but this is what they are.
Why would you want to be around that? Forgive me as this will be long. My husband and I have been married for 25 years with 4 kids. My MIL has always treated me badly. There seems to be a pecking order in the family, with 1 son being the golden child and 1 the scapegoat. Our son was in town for a visit he lives out of state. She will take a group of grandkids school shopping, except mine, then post about it on Facebook.
I try to talk to the other girls and they either ignore me or talk to me in a condescending tone. I could go on and on with the abusive things they do. Failed to let us know that everyone was to wear a specific color to my in laws 50th anniversary to not including us in the planning. Do I just stop going altogether? Disappear off the face of the earth? I just want out. After attending a holiday event, I leave feeling hurt, angry, confused. My husband confronted his mom and she just cried and played the victim. I don't even know what to say other than to repeat And you're not a bad person if you don't get along with your MIL.
Chances are, the opposite is true Keep it up, sister! I am almost in tears of relief after reading the last sentence you wrote. You literally took the words out of my mouth. You are so right, I will work on my character because she obviously has a never worked on hers. Thank you so much for writing this so perfectly. My daughter has a toxic mother in law and she handles her very well and vented her frustrations to me her mom.
That was until her little baby girl was born. My daughter and I are very close and I will go help her out once a week with her baby just to give her a little break. The toxic mother in law seems to have turned her attentions to me now and doing her damn best to draw my daughter away from me. My daughter will come to my house only and within 10 mins the mother in law will ring her and say she needs to see her. So my daughter rather than make her wait will immediately leave for a quiet life because if she doesn't do as she wants, the MIL will ring her son and tell tales on my daughter.
I don't really know what to do as I am not needy in anyway but I am now losing out because I don't see my daughter or my grand daughter even when they are in the same town because MIL gets priority and she "makes" them stay with her for as long as she can purely so they don't have enough time to come to our house. The MIL is so cunning and sly its baffling me.
Of course I'm happy to share our grand daughter but she wants her all to herself and is not happy unless she has it her way. I cant say anything to the MIL for fear of upsetting her son and losing my grand daughter all together and also damaging my relationship with my daughter. Ive talked to my daughter about it and she just says oh don't worry about it Mom but I am seeing less and less of them and the MIL is seeing more and more.
But your journey is only beginning. It's just the way they are. The less attention you pay them, the better. I know all about the toxic MIL situations. My in-laws are the definition of monster in-law. My husband and I got married in August of last year, every. We finally told them that it may or may not happen, we are not actively trying for children right now.
Claiming we were going against nature! How they wanted every gift they ever gave us back! Finally when they realized that they were not getting anywhere with their manipulative whispers of divorce or whatever it may be, they start threatening to disown my husband. I feel terrible for him because it is his family and they have been through a lot, he is very caring and despite the fact his family speaks ill of me constantly and threatens us both daily, he loves them and still wants them in his life.
It will never end and I realize that but it is so exhausting. Lana, thanks for the response. I mentioned how much I spend in groceries each week that my wife and I have provided. My issue is the fact that she leaves dishes, dirty food covered dishes in my kitchen and about my house with no concern to pick them up and put them in the dishwasher. I hopped on here the other day as pissed off as a hornets nest.
Reading over your list of 10 ways I marked off at least 6 of them. Always has, always will. I am stuck in the middle but it is my great intent to make it known to her that these are my kids and all she needs to do is be grandma and the caregiver when I or my wife is not around. I appreciate the advice and I will persevere. It helps to at least write my complaints out here. I gotta be honest I'm sure you have legitimate issues with your mother-in-law but the way it's described, it doesn't inspire a lot of compassion.
This woman babysits your kids for free, cooks meals, brings her own food over, and probably more - and you're complaining that she took your parking spot? Taking care of 2 small kids is a big responsibility. Not every grandmother is willing to take that on. Also, personally, if I'm with the baby by myself all day and I somehow managed to cook a meal, I probably won't have a chance to clean up.
My hands are full. But I do sympathize with you. I know it's hard, especially if you feel like you can't bring up any issues to her, so you have to deal with everything silently. But that's something you have to discuss with your wife, to make sure you're on the same page about your babysitting needs. Because if you don't want to hire a proper nanny, accept your MIL's help and be gracious about it. My latest issues have come from her being at my house full time three days a week to provide me with free child care. Like I said she watches my kids three days a week at my house.
I know going home on those days that I have the responsibility of cleaning up after her, her husband and my two young children. It shows from the state of her squabbled hell hole house. She makes lunch but leaves the dishes on the counter or wherever. She changes the kids out of their pajamas but leaves them on the stair railing.
I came home to her one day telling me the bag of used diapers in the garage needs to be taken out to the garbage because she filled it. She brings over the food that she wants the kids eating. And then those leftovers are left in my fridge. I had one issue when my son was maybe 2. I arrived home after work to her still there and her husband in my kitchen.
My son was upstairs with her being out down for a nap. But last night she came back over. I woke this morning at 4am for work to find new tire tracks from her suv on the other side of the driveway. Now typical she parks on my side which is already destroyed. I have a spring project to fix the turf she has destroyed but has no clue to it.
My MIL has always been the Queen of her family widowed for many years, Head female of all siblings due to her own mother having a breakdown and to top it all, she has two sons who are both either weak or lazy. My problem with MIL became worse when we had our first child and it was a downward spiral. The final straw came after I went out with her for the day and numerous negative comments came out from her The novelty birthday cake would be the icing on the cake!
The kids party, evening bbq, the novelty cake How wrong I was!! In numerous times when I stood up to her the waterworks would start - and then the lies. My husbands family stopped sending cards and presents to us and the kids and were totally on MILs side. Husband is upset that his family turned their backs on His kids She has smeared my name to anyone that would listen including my own boss who was a friend of hers , my mother and husband. I emotionally detached from my husband at the time and only stayed due to having two young kids and good financial situation. Over time, my husband realised what she was like - when I was out of the picture she took her anger out on him instead and also caused more major issues communicating with husbands child from one night stand 30 years ago even though husband wants nothing to do with his past errors and also inviting another ex around for coffee - the girlfriend that husband flirted between when we got together.
I tried on 3 occasions to try and repair our relationship mainly to keep our marriage safe and later for the kids. Each time she created at the first hurdle To cut a long story short, she was advised to seek help and saw a counseller. She was told that her disorder was due to not being good enough stemming from her own fathers opinion of her - she is a perfectionist and ocd. Her family is small but they consist of depressives, anxiety issues, ocd, suicide x 2, many mental health issues, sexual abuse from her father to one of her sisters and breakdowns.
Toxic family all round!! Thank you so much for your blog Lana. I am so glad I am not the only one going crazy here! My MIL ticks off all the boxes of a toxic mother-in-law. She talks about how much she loves my husband and how much she has sacrificed for him and his younger brother, to the extent that she literally starts crying over her greatness. Now I am not saying she isn't a great mum to my husband. During this period she would feed me very well but it was constant emotional abuse - put downs, talking shit about my own parents for no reason, even saying i didn't have enough dowries or gold two years into the marriage after I have given birth to my son.
I think i was too nice for two years and just held it all in and try to be appreciative of all the good things, like the food that she was paying for. But something snapped in me the other day when she talked shit about my parents again - i think it was the last straw - and I pretty much told her and my FIL to fuck off and then I moved out. Only that the place we moved to belongs to my husband and is only five houses away. I hate her so much for it.
I also get angry at my husband for never standing up to his mum for me. It makes me wish I had never married him or had his baby. I feel stuck and I feel like I am a terrible person for not dealing with this well. I know there is no easy solution. Anyhow, thank you for hearing me out, at least we are not alone in this. I feel for you. Toxic people never think they're the problem.
In families like that one child will be a "golden child" that can do no wrong, the other is a "scapegoat" who shoulders the blame for everything going wrong in that family. The golden child's spouse and children are also untouchable, while the scapegoat's family It is absolutely not your or your husband's fault, and you're right to not want to be subjected to abuse. Focus on people who do love and appreciate you. My story is a little different but still roots from issues with my mother in law.
My finance and I got engaged back in November of and his pathological lying, cheating brother got jealous. Instead of congratulating us on the engagement he starting talking nasty about me to his mother which in turn made her hate me.
Shortly after the engagement he decided to impregnate his current girlfriend of 1 month, which by the way always wanted to be a stay at home mom and has dropped out of 3 colleges because he wanted her to. The tables had officially turned and everything ended up being about them. Here comes the parties, celebrations, and the continuation of nasty talk about me because I didn't talk to them. I of course stayed away from the family, seek therapy to manage my emotions of truly not understanding why and how to handle my feelings.
I invited my in laws to functions dealing with the wedding and instead of telling me the truth by mother in law didn't show up which in turn she told others it was because I was awkward and my family was awkward. A year later after my finance begged for an engagement party it happened. My wonderful future mother in law planned us a damn party but of course the brothers girlfriend had something to say about me and my family.
It become a war I couldn't win nor wanted to be apart of. I have stuck to myself and remained out of the picture to avoid getting hurt, or talked about. Sadly, my finance's grandmother was ill and was only given a few days to live. As any good women would do I traveled with him to say goodbye to his grandmother. Within days the mother in law showed up and had nothing good to say about me and even took my finance in the room of his dying grandmother to discuss my behavior of not talking to her as much.
My finance did have choice to have the conversation with her in this setting and later informed her that after everything why would I? She disagreed to all allegations and said she did nothing wrong. The next week the baby was born. My finance now hears the nasty talk about him not being a good person and not seeing his nephew enough but at this point we feel as if its a losing battle because his brothers girlfriend and brother wants us to have nothing to do with the kid. Its a constant game to which we are just puppets to them, punching bags even. After all of this though I feel the most for my finance.
I wonder some days if its best for me to just leave and allow him to rekindle his relationship with his family. I just don't know what to do anymore We're on the receiving end of a silent treatment right now and the family a. Funny thing is, in situations like this family members often take the side of an abuser and the abusees are made to feel responsible for any conflict. I say stand your ground and even if you do let her back into your lives which is totally up to you , make sure it's on your terms. Everyone is pressuring us to just let her back into our lives, but they don't say "we'll help keep her in line" or "we'll make her understand boundaries ARE important.
It's okay, I understand. I have found a way to get along and 23 years later, my kids aren't serial killers, they survived. I wish you the best of luck, I can't imagine would it would be like to have the situation be that bad. I'm glad you can write about it. My god, that is awful. The little minds are so fragile to that type of gore.
It got a little better in the beginning but then she started crossing all sort of boundaries, inserting her opinion into everything, giving unsolicited advice You know, the works: But the family is all up in arms, putting pressure on my husband and I to mend things with her. The whole situation is weighing heavy on me. And a little girl in the middle. And this is my life.
Nowhere to run to. Ah, sorry for venting. Thank you for a visit: Terrified that my kids were going to become serial killers, i wouldn't let them go visit her anymore. My god, what a terrible thing to say No wonder you want to stay away from her. It's funny how that works, isn't it? The person says and does hurtful insensitive things, and because you don't want to be rude to them, you decide to stay away from them.
Then they judge you for that as well You staying away also becomes your fault - you being standoffish, you not being respectful etc. It's a peculiar circle of blame! My mil thought it would be funny to tell me, "It's a good thing you're not working in the fields with a baby on your back. All because I said I needed to run home and change my shoes because the current ones were hurting. And she wonders why I started pulling away from her. I have a so called "MIL" that started trying to place wedges between my spouse and I.
It started by her complimenting me, saying he couldn't do this or that without me. Then anything he did, she would say, I didn't know you were smart enough to do anything like that. I would confront her every single time and tell her she is not manipulating our marriage with her ugly intentions. I told her if she wasn't abusive and manipulating for her own selfish needy ways, she wouldn't always need to say things belittling persons.
She is emotionally abusive and codependent on her two "adopted" children. She tells us every visit about being angry and hurt staying at grandmas during the day, while the boys worked on the ranch with her parents. She makes it known she despises men. She had no contact with her brothers after she married. He feels guilty and believes he is obligated to repay her the extra cost. There is more to the adoption issue, I will explain in a moment. When she could not succeed coming between my husband and I, she had his sister find a divorce attorney online, in our state. My husband knew nothing about it until the attorney called our home and spoke to me.
My husband came in from work, I told him about the call I got. He found out through the attorney, his mom sent the check and told the attorney he doesn't want a divorce. Then he called his mother to chew her out. She told him he had to get her money back or pay her out of his pocket. We sent her monopoly money the next day with a note that said, "This is all you get from us". So, her tactics failed and she began using his older sister to call, ask him a million personal questions.
He was emotionally suppressed and abused all his life and rarely speaks up to her. His parents are wealthy, but his mother never worked her entire life. His father earned the income and did all investments to become wealthy. His father has passed away, so she has control of all the money now. His mother has taken him out of the family will numerous times for him speaking up to her or "allowing" me to disrespecting her and hurting her. She informed me what she, his sister and my husband speak about regarding my marriage and family is none of my business, it is between them.
So, I said I hope you know you can't walk all over me and get away with it, because it will cost you. She is the perfect manipulating controlling abusive "victim". My husband has 2 sons from previous marriage. I have a daughter from previous. We adopted a baby together. I have little use for conversation with the MIL and grew tired of dealing with her. At one point, she told my husband not to "allow" me access to his money, it isn't mine.
So, his checks got deposited to our joint account and I moved half to my personal account and sent her notice every payday. Then is sister began calling saying mom was loosing weight, sick from worry he wasn't happy but felt trapped in our marriage. In reality, she found out about the adoption of our baby girl, and she was furious. She was visiting when the baby was 2mos old, ask if I was babysitting, I replied no. She asked who's baby was and I replied ours. She turned to my husband enraged and said, "You didn't tell me you got her pregnant".
I spoke up and said, because he didn't. She asked, "Where did this baby come from then? She turned to my husband, bright red face, anger all over her body, and said, "You adopted a child and never consulted with me before you did that? To which I responded, "He can't betray you with or for his wife, you're not part of OUR marriage, you're just his mom". WE didn't need your permission, we are adults.
It wasn't your business unless you intend to pay for everything for her, including our mortgage. She stormed into the guest room and left the next day. As she left I was told, I am the absolute most evil disrespectful daughter-in-law she has even known. To which I responded, "Hey honey, did you hear your mom, she said I was number one to her". So when she went back home, she had his sister start on him about how depressed, betrayed and hurt she was we adopted and he is trapped with me forever, because she doesn't think he is happy.
So, after a year or so, he moved out, taking only one of his two sons. His sister told him mom thought it best to just take the oldest, it is easiest for him this way. I let him move, kept his son and my two daughters and our life went on like it was our normal. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. After less than a month my husband moved home. It was under my conditions, regarding his mom and sister invading our lives.
No answering their questions and talk to them only in front of me. His mother attempted to be the innocent concerned mom, telling him she always like me and was sad when his sister told her he moved out. He wanted to believe that in his heart. I told him she is manipulating him again.
So, upon receiving the check, I had my husband sign it, deposited in the bank, when it cleared I moved the money to my own savings. I told her she wasn't slick enough to manipulate me because I wasn't abused by her all my life like my husband, so I didn't fear her and I will not allow her to invade my marriage, family and home without paying one way or the other.
I told her if she didn't want to keep paying, she better learn limits and boundaries and any psychiatrist could help her with the mental defect she has in that area. Phone calls to my husband were very limited following that. However, she and his sister began sending birthday and Christmas gifts only to my husband two sons, excluding the girls. So, my husband called his mother, put her speaker phone and told her he would not tolerate her treating the girls like that, if she isn't going to do for all the kids, not to send anything for anyone.
At which time she stated, "Well, I just do not feel like those are my grandchildren because your blood does not run through their veins". To which I replied, "Who are you exactly? I responded, "That is a lie, your blood does not run through his veins, nor does his "alleged" sisters.
I then stated, "We do not accept you as related to my husband or our four children". She took a deep breath of disgust, feeling ignorant for saying that about our daughters at that point , told my husband she was not leaving him any of "her" money in her will". I said, "You never worked, it isn't your money it is his dad's. After five years of no communication following that, my husband called them. They ask him not to speak to them in front of his wife.
He not only speak in front of me, he uses speaker phone to do so. He told them he will not disrespect his marriage to please them. He won't isolate calls so they can try to manipulate him to damage our marriage, he will not tolerate it. Phone calls are very impersonal and quick now days. Why are some people toxic? Maybe it's a personality disorder.
Maybe they're our karmic challenges. Maybe it's just women who can't let go of their sons some kind of subconscious attraction? But please don't let it affect your self-esteem. Remember the words of Eleanor Roosevelt: It was never really about you. You could be the kindest, greatest, smartest person on the planet and a toxic MIL will still find you unacceptable.
I went through the same thing with my last relationship. I never understood why this women disliked me so much. She ruined our relationship because after a while I couldn't deal with her toxcity and smear campaigns. In the end, my ex broke it off. It was quite hurtful and it really effected my self esteem. Even my ex would make comments like maybe my mother sees something that I don't see. Why are some people like this? I have chosen to stay away. My husband goes to family gathering but I can not handle the stress that she causes me.
The worst part is we have not sad anything to the rest of his family but his oldest sister is now sticking her nose in the middle of it. Mind you this is the same women that is stay with her husband until the kids are out of the house then divorcing. The whole thing makes me stressed,sick,depressed and disgusted. I can not be present because mouth sometimes gets the best of me when backed into a corner. Like the old saying when it rains there normally a mother in law pissing on your parade.
I know it is rains it pours but sarcasm is all I have left We all need to vent from time to time, people with a toxic MIL especially: I know it's a difficult situation. I wish you patience, strength and wisdom. My problem is slightly different from posts I have read. My husband, his mother and I actually live under the same roof. We pooled resources and bought a property which I will come to love eventually. I believed her when my toxic mil said she was easy to live with. The opposite is true.
She forever "huffs" and if I suggest an easier way to do something she throws a childish tantrum, and I really mean tantrum. Lost count of the times I have retreated and cried my eyes out. And yes, my husband often turns on me. I know I am not a bad person, I have friends She has none, never has. She has the personality of a garden shed, extremely old before her time and of course, very set in her ways.
I choose not to communicate with her if I can help it because everything is taken out of context. Stated she would do the cooking Most of my portion goes in the dog. I could go on but won't bore folk. However, on reading the word toxic, this describes her totally. Thankyou for letting me vent. I have been married for nearly 7 years and am in a bit of a self-awakening as I do take responsibility for not dealing directly with my MIL and walking away as opposed to setting those needed boundaries.
She prides herself on being a devout Catholic and being kind to others yet has yet to demonstrate said kindness to me. To this day, she goes out of her way to exclude me from family pictures.
Are you turning into your mother? | Psychology Today
She is incapable of intelligent, meaningful conversation because her days are dominated by playing victim to anyone who will listen about how her life and life in general is so bad. I did try very hard to have, at the very least, a mutually respectful relationship with her and have been kind beyond what I believe she really deserved. This however has not gotten me very far.
While we have moved far enough away to where she can not stop over unnounced, she continues to watch our child 2 days a week in our home. I feel so stuck right now and am trying very hard to get to a peaceful place but am finding the right decisions very hard to make. What a stupid thing to tell to a new mama. Anyway, she doesn't know what she's talking about, girls are the best! Everything you said in part one is my mil to a T. I thought things were getting a bit better during the end of my pregnancy but it got worse because I had a girl and not a boy like she would have preferred.
I was told I didn't do as well because of the gender, and told this within a couple hours of having her. She should never speak badly of you in front of your son. It just shows the kind of person she is. Your son won't be a teenager forever. One day he will understand, and he will make his own judgment. My ex-husband moved in with his mom after our divorce, 14 years later he is still there and so my son goes there on his dads weekends.
And my mother in law has manipulated my son also. My son loves me and we have a good realtionship but as with all teenagers when we fight things come out of his mouth that I know came from my mother in law. She is my nightmare. After reading this, I realized that most women with age are really just witches in denial. Scary stuff, and even scarier that they even had sons to ' raise' or should I say Sincerly, mom of 4, grandma of 7. We're not at that point yet but at times I'm very open to this option!
Thanks for the advice: Always good to know when things work out. After many years of marriage, watching her tear me down.
I'm Turning Into My Mother (And I Love It)
Trying to be a "good" daughter in law , I decided enough was enough. It was divorce him or she had to go. The word toxic was such a nice way of putting it when it came to Brenda. The funny thing is it wasn't just me she had the issues with. It was anyone and everyone. She couldn't even get along with coworkers. She treated us like the black sheep of the family. I refused to let my child be part of such a "toxic" "narcissistic " woman's life. Funny my child never asked for her , my husband and I became much closer. Sometimes you just have to move on , and close all the doors.
Best 2 years of our marriage so far! We will celebrate our 6th anniversary this year! Word of advice if this is your situation don't divorce your husband , divorce your in laws. Not sure if anyone else is experiencing the same thing I am. Something that is present with my MIL situation is that my husband and his mother behave more like spouses, as far as carrying on conversations and making decisions.
I cannot get him to have a single conversation about our future without him getting angry. But he will discuss just about anything with his Mother. How do I break through that? The problem is if I stand up then my husband gets mad at me that I should just let it go and not let her get to me so I'm the end either she is disrespecting me or my husband and I are fighting.
It's funny, mine got worse when I had kids. Moreso because she wanted to br around more. I dealt with her before kids by just not talking with her that often and now my husband makes me feel like I have to let her come around more and because she lives out of state they're sleepover visits. I ended them because she did some inappropriate things while here, but after 3 years since children I haven't found a balance yet, besides ignoring her.
When I first met my MIL to be, she was the most stoic, hard to talk to, and strange person I have met. I love to talk to people and do not have problems carrying on with people I don't know at all. I tried gain her acceptance for the first five years. She had an accident and I cared for her in my home. She was resentful towards me for her accident that she had and the fact she was having to change her life, which I understand that, but not my fault.
I was trying to help my Husband out with her because of my love for him not her. She made it clear we were not going to be in a good relationship and I finally excepted that was the way it was going to be. She made it a point to call me by my Husband's ex-wife's name and telling me how great she was with her.
I am told they had the same issues. She does this to try to get to me. I know what she is doing so I find it amusing and just change the subject. She would call me the help. I just laughed with her. She met her match with me. I will take the high road and always conduct myself with being better than to be manipulated by her. She was bedbound when I cared for her and I put everything into helping her get back on her feet.
I thought we were getting somewhere, but instead it was like she hated me more. So okay you hate me, but I refuse to let you destroy my happy marriage. I have my own Mom I do not need another. Now my Husband does most of the errand running for her which I wish I could help him out with this, but when I go around her she brings out the worst in me. She stares me down, she makes mean comments at random. I told her not to bite me because I bite back and that we will get along if she wants to and if not, that is okay.
The family will not help other then my Husband and that is why I have helped so much. They don't like her much because she has been so cold to them. When we go out to eat all together they get to the restaurant early so they can arrange to sit as far away from her as possible and I am always the one sitting in front of her.
I will be the early one. They come to the house and make arrangements to get as far away from her as possible. Her Grandchildren look terrified of her. Again leaving me with her. I am always kind to her unless she throws a random tantrum, then I stand my ground. She is not used to someone standing up to her as she has been a bully most of her life. I was bullied and stood my ground while growing up and put a stop the that happening. Finally after seven years I have come to know it does not matter what I do she will never accept me nor like me.
I do not go around her, don't call her, don't answer calls, and consider her a non-person in my life. I will have to be around her during the holidays, but I will make sure I am not sitting as the primary conversation even though she does not jab while others are around any longer. I guess she did not like getting it back in front of whomever.
She treated the only person who stepped up to help her in a desperate time for her terribly and I rearranged my life to help her. She has caused arguments between my Husband and I and we are a couple that never argued and have always been best friends. For my Husband I will do the same during holidays but that is all I will have to do with her any longer. She is the only person I have met that acts like she does and that caused such a negative impact on my mental health for a while. So for my health it is best for me to stay completely away from her.
I have accepted that she will never accept me and that is okay because I am good with who I am. I am so glad I found this article and that I'm not alone. Thank you so much. I had a really bad day- my bf got a new job and told his mother he can't travel and help her move overseas. However today she flipped and accused me of selling my car and moving at the same time- like he's staying to help me?
And that's why he's not coming? Amongst other abusive crazy things I ended up in tears. My bf sticks up for me and calls her out but she is so narcassistic and says crazy stuff to him too: Will it get put here or on the one the preceded this. Hahaha excellent technique Tonester! I gotta try it: My in-laws have a habit of just walking in if the door is unlocked.
I know it all too well. My MIL has done things that would be unbelievable to most unless they're on the site with me. My mother-in-law had a family picture at my wedding of myself my new husband his brother his sister and his mother and his father. She cut me out of my own wedding picture saying that she just wanted a family picture I noticed this when I was seven months pregnant with her first grandchild on Thanksgiving. As far as boundaries are concerned she and my father-in-law have always had a knack for just showing up either right at dinner time during the week or on the weekend.
It used to and. We said something once years ago in a very nice way and she replied that she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her own son and grandchild. Notice she didn't mention the daughter-in-law LOL! Well one day, that all changed. This was probably the last time they just showed up at our house.
One wonderful afternoon my daughter was away spending the night at a friends house and my husband and I were taking advantage of some "alone time". Well, sure enough they showed up ringing the doorbell. The first we decided to ignore it as it was the end most in opportune time to have a visitor, but being like she is she kept ringing the doorbell. And I had a feeling it was her. So I got up put on my robe and went to the door, when she saw my disheveled hair blushing cheeks and a bit of a smile on my face she knew she had interrupted something.
She asked if they come at a bad time, and I just smiled and said "well, we think so" in a nice and somewhat comical way. But she was so terribly embarrassed she immediately left. My husband and I had a good laugh and I said I bet she won't do that again. Whatever it takes to break the bad behavior cycle. I applaud you for finding the courage to stand up to your MIL. That was an act of respect for yourself. I agree, sometimes you have to make a choice about who you want in your life.
And if you feel that it's the right choice, then it's right for you and your family. Manipulation, divide and conquer tactics, accusations The thing is I have put up with it for 20yrs avoiding argument, brushing it off, ignoring her, none of it works. I have recently developed spiritual awakening for myself since my own mother passed, meditation, peacefulness and inner quiet which has helped me overcome my loss and find comfort.
I hadn't seen my mil for a while but she invited herself to stay a few months ago, I suddenly felt anxious and uptight about the thought of her coming. It was the visit from hell is all I can say, she used snippets of time alone with me to insult me, my children and stood side by side with my husband, shoulders touching, to deliver a tirade of sarcastic text that flipped the switch in my head to say "that's it"!!!
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I have banned her from staying, blocked her manipulative emails. I never wish to speak to her again!. Quite frankly I never really got any support from my husband on this situation because he thinks I will eventually fold I realised that by developing spiritually it had made me softer, more open minded more emphatic, learning to love myself more, until her visit, I could just not believe that her behaviour would escalate to that level, how wrong I was to have let her stay, I do believe that I have done the right thing for my sanity in having no contact.
I read somewhere that you have a right to choose who you have in your life, I respect myself and love myself enough to make those decisions and stand by them, no respect But if you really feel unwelcome, maybe you should talk to your wife about it. My mother in law i tolerate but inside i cant stand the sight of her.
To me she is controlling and an authority. She does not bond with my family. My wife calls and talks to her everyday sometimes 3 times a day. I dont enjoy going to family functions as they make you feel unwelcome or like your an imposter. I come from a fun family full of life and mischief. I often wish i was a ghost. You know, I'm in the same boat as you. I'm figuring things out as I go. So far what I've understood is that personally, hushing up and pretending smth didn't happen doesn't work for me because I tend to dwell on even the smallest stuff way longer that way.
I feel frustrated, angry, hurt, mistreated etc. Then I vent to my husband and make it even worse. I understand you very well. Although I encourage women to speak up, I know that sometimes speaking up and confronting a toxic person can backfire. Yes, they act like you've hurt them. Like you've been rude. Like you're ungrateful and generally unlikable. To this day, my MIL never validated my feelings in any sort of compassionate way.
And I accept that. Because I know that from her pov this is right. She truly feels this way and I don't think there's anything in the whole universe that can convince her otherwise. To an extent, the challenge is to accept this person the way she is. The other part of the challenge is to stand up for yourself when she goes too far. Does this answer your question? From where I stand, you're on the right path. You're self-aware, you recognize that you have some room for improvement too, and you're speaking up about your feelings.
You're way ahead of the curve! I totally agree with the conclusion in your first article, that if someone is always rubbing us the wrong way then there surely is inner work to be done on our part. Things have always been difficult with my MIL since a few months before the wedding. We mostly got along before that.
Eight years and one child later, things are much worse. I'm more sensitive now when she comes to my house and takes over everything. I feel she is taking my job as a parent away from me.